I set my weigh-in day for Wednesday. Every time I try to get my food and eating back in line and away from the danger zone of mindless, purposeless, compulsive, binge eating I go back to the scale. My mother always told me to avoid the scale and go with how my clothes felt, but there has never been enough accountability in that for it to work for me. There are too many ways to rationalize, justify, lie to myself. Heck, I could also always go buy new clothes.

The scale has been both my enemy and my friend over the years depending on whether the numbers were going up or down. But two things have remained constant:

1. The scale has never lied to me.

2. It is I, not the scale, who freaks out about the numbers.

If I’m honest I know that the problem is my reaction to the numbers, not the numbers themselves. I’ve attached them to my feelings of self-esteem and self worth.

Low number = good person.

High number = bad person.

With these equations in my brain you’d think I’d be anorexic. But no. As the numbers go up I panic and the only thing that calms me is the food.

This is a problem too. I need to be able to soothe myself without food.

I don’t know how.

Yes, yes, I’ve heard all the suggestions: take a walk, take a bath, take a nap, listen to music, read a book, call a friend…

That list could be endless.

But the truth is those things work for only a short while until my emotions are backed up like a dam and I fall into the food again.

There’s that silly face all the female TV chefs make when they taste something. They close their eyes and exhale while moaning just a tiny bit. They stop chewing for a second just to savor whatever it is they’ve just put in their mouths. That’s it for me. That moment. That’s the moment of soothing. The moment when my drug of choice courses through my body and gives me permission to relax.

I live for that moment.

If I’m being honest than I must say that statement is literally true.

I. Live. For that moment.

It’s when I feel safe.

I need to find other ways of feeling safe. I know this.

For today it might have to be the safety that comes from knowing I am not alone facing this disease.

For today it might have to be the safety that comes from knowing there is help if I need it.

For today it might have to be the safety that comes from simply being able to talk about this. Without shame. Without barrier.

For today it’s knowing the parameters of my food plan and knowing that they are just for today.