I have barely slept these past two nights. The first night I think I was suffering from the after effects an accidental overdose of caffeine from that morning. I don’t drink coffee, or soda, or consume caffeine in any form (except for the tiny amount in my morning tea).

For some insane reason I decided to have a cup of coffee on Friday morning. More insane was that  I had some of what my husband made. He prefers his coffee so strong the spoon can stand up straight by itself.

Lesson learned.

Last night, it was the beginnings of a sore throat and a bizarre amount of pain in my hip for no reason at all. I was stuck in a fitful place devoid of rest yet lacking in the clarity of wakefulness.

This morning I arose spent already without a shred of the day completed.

I woke up feeling hopeless.

I immediately felt angry. How am I supposed to stick with my food plan, my new, tenuous, food plan, when I don’t feel well and I am exhausted?

We were having company. There were people to cook for, people to clean for, people to entertain.

And as always, the chores to be done.

I spent most of the morning grumbling to myself, feeling put upon, feeling resentful that I wasn’t feeling better. But then I realized that there was something else that I wasn’t acknowledging: I was scared.

This is an old pattern with me. I get up the resolve to make a change and I start and run headfirst into some sort of roadblock that leads me to say, “Poor me, why can’t things be easier for me,” which leads directly to, “What the hell, I give up”.

This morning I was falling down the “poor me” path. I was scared of the “what the hell” path it feeds into.

Then company arrived. Somehow, I forgot about my troubles and simply enjoyed myself. I followed my food plan to the best of my ability given the choices I had. Despite a dozen or so opportunities to go down a dangerous path, I didn’t.

Why?

Why?! I ask myself.

I need to know how this was accomplished.

I need to know badly.

Until I remember, that I don’t actually need to know.

I just need to be grateful.

I didn’t do this for myself. I didn’t decide to let go and allow myself to behave and have fun and stay on my plan.

It just happened.d

Why?

Because I let it.

This is the reminder I need that peace, comfort, stability, and focus are always there for me when I need them. There is not someone from whom I need to receive these things. The are simply there for the taking when I see them.

Perhaps it would be helpful to know how I reached out; how I saw them. So I could do it again next time, I presume.

But for today I’ve decided to just feel grateful.

I’m hoping that if I can just let myself be then it will become part of my muscle memory so next time I’ll do the same.

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