Well, today has arrived. The day that will be just for today. The day when I could let go of my desire for food, let go of the food, let the food let go of me.

When I first started in OA I was told to count a day of abstinence when it began, not when it was over. It helps with motivation. At least, it helped me before so I’m trying it again.

Today is day 1.

Today I have one day of abstinence.

Today I weighed myself and began a food plan that is unambiguous. One that I hope will help the weight I’ve piled on lately slide back off. One that I hope will make me sane again: Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

I guess I took step one already: Admitted we were powerless over food and that our lives had become unmanageable.

I was in denial about that one for a while. I believed that my life was manageable. It was manageable for a long while, actually. I was happy and my weight was stable and my life felt easy and smooth and I was peaceful. I think I was ashamed to admit that it’s wasn’t manageable anymore.

But I haven’t been peaceful in so long. The food has been haunting me, nay, stalking me. My life had become one chaotic episode after another. No order, no stability, everything overwhelming, nothing manageable.  Denying the power of the food and the manageability of my life had become a fool’s errand.

I suppose I officially admitted I am powerless over food and that my life had become unmanageable when I started this blog. I was finally saying, “I can’t”.

I’ve heard the first three steps of OA described as “I can’t”, “Maybe God can”, “I think I’ll let God”.

Of course, I don’t believe in God so my first two steps are simply, “I can’t”, “Maybe a power greater than myself can”. Lots of things are more powerful than I am. I don’t need to be too specific to get some relief. How do I know that? I have some relief.

Today.

Today, so far.

Today, so far, I have some relief.

Today, so far, I have some relief from the food.

Today, so far, I have some relief from the food because a power greater than myself set out a food plan for me.

Today, so far, I have some relief from the food because a power greater than myself set out a food plan for me and I have the willingness to follow it.

Just for today.

Relief.

Also, some anxiety. It’s strange because the first couple of days on a new food plan are always stressful for me. Not because I’m hungry or feeling deprived, but because I become aware of all the times I mindlessly and compulsively reach for food when I don’t actually need it.

Today, I’m finding other things to put my hands on instead of the food when I find myself reaching out.

Today, I’m building a mantle in my living room.

Today, I’m grading papers.

Today, I’m writing this blog.

Today, I’m allowing myself to be led and allowing myself to think it’s ok that I’m being led instead of leading.

So, let’s see where this leads, shall we?

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