Yes. And no.

Both apply.

I was able to get up, walk away, and not eat the cake yesterday morning when it was calling out to me so strongly it was like trying to hum Imagine to yourself while listening to Carmina Burana at 140 decibels. That was an accomplishment. Really.

Then, I lasted until after dinner, when I confessed to the presence of the cake to my husband. I told him we needed to either eat it together or throw it away.

See what I did there?

I manipulated him.

I tricked him into hurting me against his will and without his knowledge.

But I got a piece of cake out of it, so I win! Except, actually, I lose.

I’m trying to let go of it and to focus on the fact that it’s gone and it can’t torment me anymore. It’s a relief. Yet, there is sadness too. I’ll use this whole experience as an excuse to beat up on myself for not being perfect, not being able to resist, not being good enough.

Now I’m trying to figure out what to eat for breakfast. I could go with my meal plan for the week and make and drink a fruit and yogurt smoothie. Or, I could eat the bagel I bought myself this morning on the way back from dropping the kids at school. It’s sitting on the counter, where it’s been for an hour. It’s paralyzing me. This simple thing, eating breakfast, is paralyzing me.

But it’s 9:30am already and if I don’t eat soon it will mess up when I eat lunch, which will mess up when I eat dinner, which will just mess me up in general.

I feel as though I’m losing my mind when this happens. Unfortunately, it happens a lot.

Other people don’t think like this.

Some other people do think like this.

I don’t want to think like this anymore.

I don’t want to think about this anymore.

I don’t think I have a choice.

Half of the bagel now? The other half for lunch?

Every meal is a battle, a struggle, a dialogue with myself, with my demons.

Do some people just eat and not worry about it? They must, but I don’t know who they are or how it’s possible. Can I learn? Or am I broken? Or is the thought that I am broken the actual problem?

I think I think too much.

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